Swatchity, the popular color-driven social media app, has fallen on hard times since its original developers disappeared mysteriously half a decade ago. Short of cash and unable to bring new features to market, the site has been teetering on the brink of insolvency. But fear not because Swatchity's tracksuit-clad savior may have arrived at last.

Dan Xybert, the world's first multi-trillionaire, has offered to buy the struggling social media site for a sum north of one hundred billion dollars.

Many know Xybert as the affable celebrity tech entrepreneur, constantly jetting around the world opening and subsequently closing factories. Sales of his MyOpiate brand of VR/AR headsets caught fire last year, literally. The fact that his product led to hundreds of accidental immolations only caused the public to buy more of them.

He's been Time's Person of the Year twice and even People's Sexiest Man Alive- after buying both magazines recently. He has started a highly publicized research project into a cure for morning breath and even funded a manned mission to northern Ohio late last year. Never one for subtlety, Xybert bought a blisteringly expensive 2 minute ad during the Super Bowl just to propose to his then-girlfriend, now ex-wife.

With all that in mind, it's clear that he brings with him a fair amount of drama, but the famously confident Xybert regrets nothing, not even the "no regrets" tattoo he had etched onto his lower back several years ago.

"What can I say? I grip it and I rip it," said Xybert, shrugging conspicuously in his vintage "gotta love me" Dinosaurs T-shirt.

This could the the shot in the arm the company needs. Xybert's can-do spirit and reputation for innovation could be the perfect fit for Swatchity. News of Xybert's involvement has significantly improved morale at Swatchity HQ. Sources close to the company say that the number of employees leaping to their doom from the building's highest floors has dropped nearly 7% since the press conference announcing the sale.

After years of stagnation, Swatchity is desperately in need of a new vision. Xybert, by his own admission, has loads of them. Following his much-publicized ayahuasca retreat a few years ago, he experiences more than a dozen extremely vivid visions every day. Some of them even relate to business ideas.

"I've founded dozens of companies," bragged Xybert, "or at least I have legal documents saying I can claim that I founded them and, no one can sue me over it. So, yeah, I know a thing or two about running a successful startup."

Chief among these new ideas is Xybert's proposed new "hard core" monetization plan. For $50 per month, verified users will recieve a special icon to publicize their poor money-management skills and, most controversially, the ability to unlock warm colors. In the new plan, reds, yellows, and oranges will be restricted to top-tier paid accounts only.

"Blues and greens are for poor people," Said Xybert. "If you can't afford fuschia, we can't be friends. You don't really exist. That sounds harsh, but it's true. Colors don't care about your feelings."

Responding to widespread concern over pricing out a majority of the site's users and locking millions of people out of a common virtual space where they would discuss news and events via the medium of color, Xybert says that his detractors are missing the point. According to Xybert and his team, it's not about money. Instead, it's about money.

"I'm not just interested in making Swatchity expensive," said Xybert. "It's more than that. At the end of the day, I want to make Swatchity an aspirational brand. And I also really like the idea of squeezing money out of people for something that used to be free. It's my kink."

On the other hand, the move has some industry observers wondering if the tech wunderkind has lost his touch. After all, he just invested (some say wasted) 125 billion USD on an app that doesn't really do anything.

"Sure, you can only post colors, and after five minutes what is there to do? Yeah, I get it," said Xybert. "Now that I think about it, it's pointless, really. I mean, yeah. That's the point, though, isn't it?"