It appears that Swatchity has a bug, and developers have so far been unable to track it down. The bug only seems to only affect one user, new Swatchity owner Dan Xybert. In spite of being the most interesting and entertaining tech celebrity on the planet, Xybert's engagement numbers on the site are abysmal.

No one on the staff can explain the discrepancy, but it's not for a lack of trying. Three separate scrum teams pushed off prioritized work for the past two sprints to confirm that the microservices related to the analytics system are functioning properly, even though the results were not to Xybert's liking.

To that end, the CEO called an emergency all-hands meeting of engineers this week to "get to the bottom of the issue once and for all." Xybert is the type of manager who fervently believes in the principle that most seemingly intractable problems can be solved as long as the person in charge is willing to yell enough about it. In fact, that was the title of his 2008 industry memoir.

"I'm going to boil this down to the simplest terms," he said, scrawling on the white board. "Fact 1: I'm the most famous person in the world. Fact 2: people are not interacting with my Swatches in large numbers. Now, can someone explain to me how both of those things can be true? They can't. That's just simple math!"

One of the engineers, Sandra Becket, offered a possible solution to his conundrum: maybe people may be ignoring his posts because his posts are bad. Or at least, that's what meeting attendees could reconstruct from the fragment of a sentence she managed to get out before Xybert fired her and had her escorted from the room.

"Ah, it was worth it, really," said Becket. "I had been thinking about quitting for a while, and this seemed like the right time. Besides, the meeting had gone on for five hours by that point, and I really had to pee. It just seemed like the way to go out."

Engineers suggested ways that he could improve his posts to promote engagement, but he was unreceptive to the advice. Surmising that his engineers would not (or could not) solve the problem, he stamped his feet and threw the dry erase marker across the room in frustration.

"You all need to know that I started as a software engineer, and I'm the best there ever was!" he shouted. "I could code rings around all of you. ALL OF YOU! Wait, do people still use Pascal?"

Most engineers stated that they would never compromise the platform and their principles to serve the injured ego of the company's new owner. That said, the job market in the tech industry is quite fragile at the moment. So, the algorithm updates will be completed and rushed into production later this week.

"Actually, it was easy after we stopped talking about it," said the lead backend engineer. "I just added a ternary expression to all the Swatch feed logic so that if the post's author ID matches Dan's user ID, we automatically bump its visibility. Dan explicitly told us not to do this, but he was winking while he said it, so I think that's what counts as a direct order. Hey, it was either that or port our entire API to Pascal, and I'm not doing that."